angkinabuhi

strokes

2011-02-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

I stopped writing a long time ago… and I thought I wouldn’t wanna write back.. there was a chapter in my life that ceased my hand to hold a pen and stroke letters.. even to scribble was so hard to do. I never imagined how cruel life was that it stopped my mind from creating stories.. it stopped me from revealing emotions through my writing.. it stopped me from sharing life experiences carved and crafted through time.

there might be moments in our lives where we lose track of ourselves and end up feeling hopeless.. there maybe times when we wanna leave everything behind and just want to stare blankly at an empty space for the rest of our lives… but in a matter of time, things turn back to the way it was.. and its far even better. You just wouldn’t realize it not until you lose yourself and everything that matter most to you. And not until you find inspiration and the passion to relive that yearning, that’s when you start to live again.

holding a pen was unplanned.. it took me a while to start to carve strokes.. it took me some time to scribble and let my mind wander through the clouds... but im glad that time was right enough for me to find this passion for writing again.. im more than happy to clasp my hand onto this pen, pour out my emotions and share my life stories…

people and what they do

2010-11-22T23:36:00.000-08:00

People can either pull you up, or bring you down… we try to ask ourselves if the people around us are the people that we ought to spend our time with... if they are helping us or trying to ruin our being.. are they worth it? We question ourselves and end up, questioning more..

at times I would wonder why are we living on earth when we are only hurting each other?

Why can’t things be as simple as a bird perched on a tree, humming a song while waiting for the sun to set? Why can’t life be as trouble-free as a fish, swimming around the tank wiggling and wobbling in bliss? Or like a kitten, waiting for its mom to feed her, stress-free and happy… why can’t things be like that? Why can’t we be, like that?

This world would be less complicated if we live simply.. if we learn to appreciate things that we have.. without complaining.. if we learn to value people, blessings and opportunities.. Life is beautiful, it’s a lot beautiful when we learn to love it..

The people around you, are the ones who are influential and helpful as you journey along this life.. so make the most and choose the people you hang out with.. do not question why, just be happy and learn to live with it..

this longing

2010-07-01T03:06:00.000-07:00

I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I haven’t even known what that is

But deep down inside, I am searching for something

I’m looking for something that I do not possess

And hoping to finally get a grip of it

As much as I wanted to tell the world about this longing

I got nothing else to say but this…

The world deprives me from becoming who I am

I’ve been running everywhere to search for answers

I’ve been wandering around to see the truth

Everyday is a battle, each day is a chance

The closer I get to knowing the reason,

The farther I get to becoming who I wanna be

The world is such a vast horizon, none that exists is real

The question lies underneath this quest, of finding what there is

That the world is keeping from me.

Should I continue to dwell on this longing?

Or leave everything else on circumstance?

numb

2010-03-29T09:36:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed by my thoughts

Too much things to handle, too much pain to keep

Desperately looking for comfort and support

Nobody cared to offer…

All we cared about is ourselves

We tend to forget about important things

Even ignoring emotions and feelings

Taking time for granted

When do we stop?

When do we start caring?

When everything else vanish, that’s when we start to think

That’s when we start to feel.

A Tribute to an Angel

2009-12-28T10:09:00.000-08:00

We all need someone to spend our lives with, a person who will look up to us and accept our uniqueness. A gentle touch, a warm embrace, a loving word… is what makes our lives fulfilling.

We meet different kinds of people from all walks of life- children who scavenge for food; families who break up; strangers searching for their way home. All of them are in search for a blissful life, a life spent with eternal happiness.

We all need someone to talk to. Who will listen to our fancy stories and our silly jokes, someone who laughs at us and tickles a funny bone, a person whom we can lean on, who always have a shoulder to cry on. Someone who would pamper us and make us feel secured.

Words of encouragement that inspire us...

We probably think that only a perfect person possesses it all, that only a rich man with all his treasures could experience such blissful living, that only a public servant manifests all these qualities. And that superman, endowed with super powers could make all these possible. But have we ever thought of a person just right in the corner? The person who have been there for us since then on, who have watched over us since birth until we lost our innocence... That someone who brought us into this world is who we first opened our eyes, who first witnessed our first breath, our first cry, our first smile. Thy hands that have pampered us, whose loving touch and kind words molded our being. A person we can always count on, someone who would never leave our side, who sacrificed and took the risks out of love. The one who would make an assurance that "everything will be all right." Through thick and thin, in good times and in bad, will always be there and never hesitates to accept our being "us"- of being the person who we truly are. She's the only person who believes in our capacities and sees the best in us. Our strength when life seems so bitter, our sight when we lose a glimpse of reality, our hope when we almost give up, our faith when nobody tries to believe, our inspiration in achieving our dreams, who completes our being and makes our life worth living...

Thou art an angel sent from above, an instrument of God who made a big difference in each of our lives. Whose unconditional love endures and nurtures forever.

Life would be impossible without thy hands. This world would never be like this without her. A mother's love has it all, that's all we ever need.

"This was the speech I wrote in my English class on mother's day of May 2003. I sent this to my mom who's working in Italy for eight years now. She is my life, my inspiration... I am the person that I am now because of her."

"Mi Destino"

2009-12-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

It's been long since you left me

And I forced myself to let go,

But when i saw you once more

My heart seemed to grow.

It's like something strange

A feeling that isn’t right,

I pretended that it's over

Yet deep inside I still wonder.

Is this what destiny is?

In just a click it's going to be like this?

You have hurt my heart before,

Now it's hard for me to open my door.

I had bear in mind that I lost you

And so you lost me too...

I was seeking for the reasons,

Then found out that love was at the wrong season.

I still ask myself why,

"Can't we make another try?

Just tell me if you will stay

Then I'll know if you're in my way."

But if we really are meant for each other

May time won't ruin and bother...

But loving you is setting you free,

And letting you go is my destiny.

this is one of my HS life's pieces...

Waiting for my Shipment

2009-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

I found a note of a girl and decided to tell the world about it…

Dear God, if you could make one miracle, could you please send me one? How long is the shipment? I’ll email you my address and all the information that you need. I need one badly… You’re the only person I know that could help me. I’ve asked everybody else but they refused.

I had a fight with my best friend this morning. She broke my pen and I was angry. She said she did not mean to break it but I was mad and shouted at her. She cried when I told her I can’t forgive her after what she did. It was my favorite pen, and I could never have one like it. She went home with a heavy heart and she would never want to go back to school not until she’d find the same pen that I had. She tried putting it together with some glue yet it didn’t work. Instead, she went to a bookstore to find that pen.

After a couple of hours, she was found lying in the street, drenched and all covered with blood. And the only thing she had in her hand was a pen and a little note that says “I finally found your favorite pen Jane, I’m sorry for messing up this morning.”

My best friend died. She was hit by a truck on her way to my house. I feel terribly bad about it. How will I tell Anna of how sorry I am for pulling her hair at school this morning? I need to tell her I was wrong for treating her that way. She was my bestest friend. I shouldn’t have shouted at her. I shouldn’t have told her I hate her.

One single miracle is all I ask Lord. Please let Anna open her eyes…

“When it’s too late, that’s when we realize our own mistake...” Anna didn't mean to break Jane's pen. Anna's life wouldn't have ended drastically if Jane forgave her. Do we have to lose someone before we'd tell them how sorry we were for taking them for granted? Life is too short to be wasted, learn to forgive and make the most of your time with people you care about...

Halloween Trick or Treat

2009-11-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

We always look forward to every year’s Halloween celebration. I used to scare little children on the eve of All saint’s day. I would cover myself with a white blanket (as a costume) and walk barefoot along the pathway. It was just for fun and not much of a serious prank. My friend and I would laugh out at our silly tricks as we try to scare them away. We were like undercover-witches hidden-under-a -tamarind tree. My sister signals us every time someone would pass by and we’d prepare our scariest faces. Our parents wouldn’t mind getting our smelly blankets out the house as long us we’re having fun. It has been some kind of a “family tradition” that we wanted to pass on to our younger generation.

Three years ago, my sister and I got the chance to attend SM Cebu’s Halloween Fun Day. Just what I’ve been waiting when I was still a child. It was the first time we heard about “trick or treat” madness in town. The children would all line up in every boutique and ask for some candies and other yummy treats (as scheduled) for an hour. A Halloween costume contest was part of the activity. We were all excited to join and get my sister’s kids wear their loveliest costumes. I get a good grip of my nephew’s hand as we run and ask for candies at a store. Every year, we have been attending Halloween costume contests and parties with my nephew and niece. It’s one way of helping them boost their confidence and gain friends as well. Not to mention, it’s the third time that my nephew Shann Kim won best in costume at Mcdo’s Halloween fun day. He started joining at the age of five and he’s not stopping. His first costume was that of a vampire, then a wizard, a terrifying mummy-all-wrapped up with cloth and the latest as a Roman-mummy-soldier. He would really plan out what his costume would be like every year. Her sister Aya, has always been the sweetest lil’ fairy each year. She looks adorable in her pink fairy dress with a crown and a liltle wing on her back. But she is getting bigger and her dress is getting smaller. I guess I need to buy her a new costume next year!

It’s one of the events that Shann and I and the family look forward to every year. It’s a day filled with fun-scary laughs with the family. If I were a little younger, I’d definitely join Halloween fun day at SM and cover myself with my smelly white blanket! I wouldn’t mind walking on barefoot; it’s part of the fun anyway.

Mamma Maria’s Pizzeria: crocodile meat does exist!!

2009-07-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

Have you ever eaten a crocodile meat before? Well if you ask me, I haven’t… I wouldn’t even wanna try. That poor reptile might feel awfully bad if I’d take one munch. But there’s one awesome restaurant that serves delectable crocodile meat for non vegetarians in town and mamma maria pizzeria’s just the perfect place…

My friends and I went out to have some little fun in this small but humongous pizza place in Gorordo. Colorful “banderitas” caught my eye when I got out of the car and was totally astounded. Another mouth-watering festivity of new and exciting flavor awaits me. Good thing that my friend brought her sophisticated camera for us to take a few memorabilia to our one-of-a-kind fellowship. I felt like a star when the only customers they had was us. It was as if the whole place was exclusively reserved for three lovely ladies in the city. And it’s overwhelming to know that the staff and crew have been so graciously amusing and fun.
They’ve got beautiful interior and large tables that could serve a huddle of hungry looking Homo sapiens who’s out for some nibble. You can have a couple of lip-smacking choices of Italian toppings coated with luscious-sultry-melted mozzarella cheese. Yum yum!!

Zen’s first order was a crocodile pizza. At first glance, I thought it was chicken. Not until she said it’s another kind of meat. Well, I’m the type of carnivore who eats only those I grew up to eat. That would imply, eating only what was designed to eat and crocodile isn’t in my list!! I never imagined that crocodile meat really does exist. I mean, they allowed crocs to be slaughtered and killed to have that undeniably tasty pizza? They might look horrible when they dive in swamps and muddy lakes but, oh poor little thing!! They somehow look adorable when they’re hungry, hahaha!! Although I did not take a bite, I could say it tasted really good. Who wouldn’t? My friends ate it all in just a matter of seconds. A delightful smell snapped my nose’s attention as garlic and mozzarella cheese clouded the entire room. How I love that smell! It drove out the greediness in me as I hurried and munched that yummy flavored pizza. I thought I would eat apples, cherries and oranges when tutti frutti pizza was served. It’s a unique pizza flavor that’s topped with fresh tahong and shrimps: savory and appetizing! They also serve a 52” pan pizza with different heavenly flavors that could satisfy about forty famished lads out there. And to complete the snack, a bottomless iced tea is just the thing.

We all had our tummies gorged along with some chitchats and good laughs. As we left, we took a few poses at their simple yet lovely façade. Elena was an instant celebrity when the staff went out to have their picture taken with us. It was an amazing rainy afternoon with my pretty friends and I’ll surely keep that memory in my treasure chest for keeps! I wonder if we all three could gobble up that 52” pan pizza in one setting. Hmmm… Well, I bet we could!

You're the 1, Goldilocks!

2009-07-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

It’s Sunday and we’re off to the south with my best friends. I’ve been planning to spend summer with them way back in high school and after eight years, we’ve finally packed up our things and ready to have some fun in one of the best tourist destinations in Cebu, the beautiful Moalboal.

My aunt has a small property there. I visit her every summer and spend weeks or months in her small haven. She left her hometown in Leyte when she eloped with an Italian guy at the age of eighteen. They had no children after twenty two years of marriage, except me. She calls me her adopted daughter when in fact she’s from my father’s farthest kin.

I was planning to surprise her on a very special day. I asked my best friends to help me out since I had no extra allowance left. As early as six, we headed to the terminal with a handful of cookies and cream polvoron, a slice of cassava cake and one lovely mocha cake from Goldilocks. Those are my aunt’s favorites. Would you believe that she would travel two hours to get to the city just to eat those yummy delicious things? I have thought of requesting Goldilocks to open a branch in Moalboal so that she doesn’t have to experience the painstaking and nausea-inflicting ride on a bus. When she gets old, it would be difficult for her to do that. How excruciating it is for an old woman to go through such horrible experience. But my Aunt would only laugh at me every time I tell her this.

She first got married to a Filipino man at seventeen and gave birth to an adorable baby. But their marriage ended up drastically and his man took her daughter away. I know how much she has resented him. I know how much remorse and hate she had for him and how much my Aunt regretted the day she wasn’t able to fight for her daughter. All the emptiness she had for missing her daughter, she tried to fill it up by taking care of me. In a way, she was able to perform her role as a mother despite the fact that I am not her own. She has been living a solitary and complicated life for a couple of years now. Her failure in both marriages took a part of herself and seeing her like that tears me apart. As much as I want to but I cannot momentarily take away the hurt that was brought from her past. I suppose, visiting my Aunt in her abode eases up the emptiness that she feels. And with a handful of Goldilocks treats, that would lighten a weary heart on a cold lonely summer.

I dashed to the gate and called her up. As a slow poke, my Aunt wasn’t expecting me to arrive that early. We all greeted and shouted happy mother’s day along with a bagful of her favorites. With a yawn and a lovely grin she gave me a big warm embrace and never said a word. I felt so delighted and overjoyed by how she reacted. I felt as though, it was the first time I embraced her. As if, I was that little girl who lost my way home and found comfort in her arms. We went straight to the kitchen and opened the boxes filled with yummy toothsome treats.

I was overwhelmed by how my best friends helped me prepare for that day. I have never done anything like this since the time she considered me her own. In fact, that was the only way I could show to her how grateful I am to have her with me. From the time on that my mom entrusted me to her, she took good care of me. People would seldom mistaken me as her daughter because I’d go everywhere she goes and people would say, we both have a little resemblance.

You’re the 1 Goldilocks, because you brought happiness to my Aunt with just one bite of cassava cake. Looking at her taking every bite with glee just brings joy to my heart. I was so happy that finally, I was able to surprise her. She was like a selfish little child eating it all up as I cleaned off her cassava-smeared lips. It’s so amazing how small things can mean a lot to someone. That one good deed was appreciated with my Aunt’s smile of content. After all, one bite took all her pain away even just for a day.

It was still three years ago but it was one memory that my Aunt is thankful of. It reminded her that despite living a lonely life, there are a few people who can make one little act of kindness that made her feel she is being loved and remembered on mother’s day. In spite of everything she is still the best mom this world has, not just to me but to her daughter as well. And Goldilocks made it all happen.

A painful Truth

2009-06-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we take people for granted. Those people who are important to us, whom we care about. But there are reasons why these things happen. There are stories unrevealed why our immaturity comes in and why we tend to ignore their importance.

When my father left us years ago, it was as if the whole world was against me. He abandoned us and I blamed God for that. Why is life so unfair when everything you dreamed of, when all things you aspire would vanish with just one stupid mistake? I felt so left out and so alone when he turned his back on us. A once happy family was ruined by one filthy girl who tempted my father. I was betrayed. I questioned the world and ended up questioning God. Why do things have to be destroyed when all you ever do is try to build and protect it? When all you ever care about disappears? Why do people you care so much and value the most seem to fade when you've done all you can to keep them? When you've done everything they ask from you just to let them stay? Is it difficult to keep what one has promised?

I tried putting my life back. I tried living life according to what was right and tried becoming a good daughter, a good sister, a good girl. Being left out was difficult to bear. I never wanted that to happen. I don't want to lose someone I care so much about again, like loosing the only man I've loved in my entire life. But my imperfections try to come in my way. The harder I try to become perfect, the imperfect I become.

I have met people whom I considered as important, a few stayed but a couple of them left. People come and go; we meet new ones and make them a part of our lives. We make them significant beings in our present lives. But there are circumstances when we are unable to appreciate them. Why? Fear is one of the reasons that prompt us to ignore them- fear of being left out, of being alone. That investing our time on them might be of waste when in the end they would only leave us. We are taken over by our stubbornness, by our selfishness. And we realize that's its too late, when the ones we care about would tell us straight to our face that we've hurt them. That we have taken them for granted. It's a painful truth that one has to face when the ones we love are tired of trying to understand our stubbornness. We do want to keep them but at the back of our minds, we question their sincerity; that having them around doesn't mean we can keep them forever. We question their trust, their vow to stay… Not minding how they feel at all. At the end of the day we end up loosing ourselves and loosing the ones we love.

I ended up like that. My past became a painful reflection of who I've become. It’s a hurtful truth that keeps haunting me. Blaming the world doesn’t help. Questioning God isn’t the answer to this painful reality.
Mike Murdock’s theory of recognition states that, “everything you need is already in your life merely awaiting your recognition of it.”
We need not to find what is missing. We need not to search for what we don't have. Everything else in this world needs time to be acknowledged and appreciated. The people around us, even if they might have left or stayed, are worth investing our time with. Don’t ever miss that chance to express your gratefulness. Never take them for granted. You wouldn't want to loose everything you have. You wouldn't want to end up like me, alone and gray...

And she said, “I booked for a facial wash”

2009-06-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

My sister has been eagerly asking me to have her face fixed. I mean get a good scrub, peel off the blackheads and all that…
It was nine in the morning and I was off to the city for some fun. I told April that I’ll meet her at Crown Regency by 2:30 or earlier to grant her long awaited wish for a facial spa. She was astonishingly surprised when I said that. She waited for a month I guess to finally experience one chance of vanity. Her face brightened with a big grin as I said goodbye and promised to be early.
As I was on my way, I was delighted by how my sister reacted. It’s been a long time since we spent time together after a big fight. And I realized how much I missed her. How much I miss our times together when all we do is laugh and shop and have fun!! Well, it’s going to be one fine day for us.
To my surprise, we were both early. It would be shameful if we wouldn’t since this friend of mine, by the name of zenith who invited us for a free facial spa, is quite time conscious. We might miss that one chance to get our face cleaned. I couldn’t help but notice my sister’s excitement as we hopped in the elevator. We were just staring at each other and chuckled. Aside from it’s our first time to have a spa, it’s our first time to bond after two years of not talking to each other. Yes, two years but it seemed like it was only yesterday.
I wonder how that feels when someone else pricks your blackheads and all the dirt on your face. I was a little bit hesitant because I might not last a minute. I don’t really get into these things. I never imagined myself to be in this frightful thing!
I look at it as vanity. Why would someone spend much for that when you can clean your face with soap and water at home and prick your own acne with your bare hands? It’s that easy! But my sister? She was extremely excited.
Off we went to the19th floor with delighted faces and high spirits. Zenith hurried to the front desk and said,” hi I booked for a facial wash for three.” What did she say again? A facial wash for three? Why would anyone want a facial wash at a spa? I tried not to laugh but I couldn’t help it. It was one amusing thing that casted my fear away. All we could do was giggle and laugh our hearts out. Good thing she didn’t say feminine wash. It would be really embarrassing. Her face was so serious as she approached the lady, who wouldn’t laugh at it? Well, I’ve got nothing else to say though. Zip!
She toured us around and we took a few pictures of ourselves for memorabilia. Zenith was kind enough to treat us out. She bought some tickets to a 4d movie and we headed to their nice pool at the edge of the building. It was super cool! We went down their lovely stairs towards PRANA to have our facial spa (a.k.a facial wash). I’m not trying to embarrass Zen; I just can’t help but tease her.
We had a little chitchat and exchange of ideas regarding beauty regimens. As we went inside I was fascinated by what I saw. Three beds at the corner of the building and I can see the whole city. The place is exquisite, so cozy and relaxing. I chose one nice bed near the glass window. Three adorable women in white came inside along with beauty creams and bottles on their hands. I lie in bed and covered myself with that soft white blanket. As Elisa touched my face, I could feel the softness of her hands like touching a newborn baby. She was gentle on me since I told her it’s my first time. I was a little stiff at first. It was as if I was about to have my tooth extracted. But she assured me that I’m in good hands. It’s like being bitten by an ant but rather a couple of them trying to eat your skin out. I might get teary-eyed but it’s normal. One has to sacrifice for the sake of beauty! I get teary-eyed when I prick my own blackheads at home. So I’ll just enjoy it instead. There is nothing to worry about because according to Zen, it’s all natural.
I could smell the fragrance of sweet cucumber all over the room, accompanied by a relaxing music that lightens a heart. She put some cream on my face and wiped it with warm, damped towel. I don’t know what was going on there but I loved the feeling. It was so refreshing and soothing. I was talking and enjoying everything. I tried to loosen up and kept myself still. It’s going to be an hour of beauty pampering at its best. We were talking about anything that comes in mind- from food to celebrities. Elisa would ask me from time to time if I’m doing fine. I would simply answer her with a yes and a smile.
A few minutes later, I can hardly breathe as warm air was blowing on my face. I managed to calm myself down and breathe normally. I couldn’t wait for that thing to get off my face. I might get burned and die of suffocation. How dreadful! (haha) Well it was to open my pores and for dirt to show up. Its part of the routine procedure so that it would be easy to prick all the types of heads found on my face.

I’m really enjoying the treat. We would laugh at each other as Zen was complaining how that one prick hurts. I wasn’t the only person who almost cried, we all did.

Wanna know if I’d try that again? I definitely will. Warm air blowing on my face can’t kill and a “facial wash” for three is a lot of fun.

the rain in my heart

2009-05-20T09:58:00.000-07:00

whenever it rains very hard,
it makes my day feel very glad
i can't play games under the sun
but in the rain falling in my arms.

they fall like teardrops from my dear face
and fall into something near my dry place,
droplets and droplets they go astray
singing a sweet song day by day.

it's really fun to run and run
playing with soil and making a toy gun
hopping and jumping away i go
waiting for the sun to come, and go.

the smile you gave me day by day
makes me feel real happy and gay;
i laugh and laugh all day long
and i don't want anything but your sweet song.

oh rain! oh rain! please don't go away
you make my day really happy and gay
'coz it's fun to be with whenever you stay
and makes my teardrops being washed away.

every time you say goodbye,
it makes my teardrops fall from my eye
i love your tender thunder and lightning
which makes my heart full of loving.

now you're gone and the rainbow will come
the flowers will bloom and your tears will be done
i would miss you a lot my only one
'coz you're in my heart and makes my day fun.

and when in the night i look at the sky
there's something there that i can't deny
i really miss you my best friend ever
and i'll always remember you forever and ever.

every time i think of you
i would open the window and wait for you,
until my tears will fall down from me
i cry and cry forever it will be.

but when i realize that now you're gone
i go to my mother and say "my best friend is gone"
now i know you live very far apart
you'll always be forever the rain in my heart.

(my very first poem ever written... i was twelve then. it was raining and i hid myself under the table inside the classroom.)

A research adventure

2009-05-20T09:56:00.000-07:00

I have always dreamed of flying. I wanted to see the beauty of nature from a bird's eye view and explore the wonders of the earth. On December break, I was asked to partake in a school research about ARSP (agrarian reform support project) to a few upland communities in Negros occidental. When I first knew about it, I was really excited. The fact that i am going to ride on a plane for the first time, it will surely make my trip a more exciting one.

The weather was not that friendly, I thought there was a typhoon since it was raining very hard. There was zero visibility as what the pilot said. it was a bumpy ride, but I enjoyed it the way I enjoy a roller coaster ride. as i peep through the window, it seems as if I am looking at the world through Google earth. Funny though because I felt like I’m in heaven when I see nothing but white. I told myself "this is the life I've always dreamed of, at peace with the world and myself." it supposed to be a twenty minute ride but we arrived at the airport almost an hour. Well, thank goodness we arrived safe and sound because a few of the passengers were pretty scared. Their faces looked blank, their eyes wandering through the clouds. If I could read their minds their probably asking,”will we make it to Bacolod?” I made a grin and talked to myself again- “this is going to be an adventure I’ll never forget, Negros here I come!”
I thought I was gonna flew off with the umbrella as the wind blew me away when if first took a step at the airport. What a relief! I saw people welcoming me with a smile even if they were not smiling at me. We headed straight to silay as if shared my amusing story with my teacher. I bet she was mesmerized by the thought that I was having a great time in a quite scary flight. We discussed about the places to go, what to do and what not to do. I was listening, nodding my head as to what she was saying but honestly, my mind was wandering. I can't wait to go to the mountain barangays and see the hidden beauty of nature from my view. As I was busy talking and looking at the green scenery, I’ve come up with a title not about the research but of my great adventure there. And I called it, my Negros escapade.
San Carlos city was our first stop. It’s not the typical city as I expected it to be- calm and quiet. it looks as if I’m in my hometown in liloan. We finally met marriane, a student I’ll be working with the faculty research. Well, it was my first time to work with someone whom I hardly know. Yet, I was amazed by how both our personalities collided. I not just met a student, but I met a wonderful friend in her. The whole adventure was a venue for us to get to know each other well. Since then on, I call her Jollibee baby because she doesn't get tired of dining at that food chain. I also met kuya nelson who was kind enough to drive us throughout our trip.

The weather was not a hindrance for us to do the research. It even made the trip more challenging. Unfortunately, we were not able to go to brgy. puey. It flooded in the area and we might end up floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Since there are many agrarian reform communities in San Carlos city, we got a couple of options- brgy bagonbon and codcod are two of the barangays having benefited from the agrarian support project. However, the rain even got worse, so we headed back to San Carlos city and stayed at our teacher's place. In fact, her family was accommodating and heartwarming. Her father reminded us to be careful since insurgency is present in the upland communities of San Carlos city. Why should I be afraid? As a matter of fact, I’m one of their kind. (hahaha)

The following day, we planned out where to go. brgy bagonbon was first on our list. We had a two hour ride on a rough and rugged road. When we got there, we interviewed a few officials since the brgy. Captain was in the city. I could feel the cool breeze embracing me along with the smell of fried fish early in the morning. We took a few pictures of the area for documentation as well. Afterwards, we headed to our next stop- brgy. codcod. Along the way, I have realized that despite the project's vision of a transformed agrarian reform community, the program has not achieved its purpose. On brgy. bagonbon's case, the agrarian reform beneficiaries are left nothing with a broken vow; broken promise of a productive and fertile land. Until now, they have not received land titles and they do not even have a registered people's organization. What surprised me was the kind of life that the folks lived by- a life of simplicity and contentment where they are able to smile despite a hard day's work in the farmland.

On the other hand, brgy codcod has a different story. On our way there, the beautiful mountains and terraces amazed me. I saw a few people walking on barefoot with logs in their heads, a man enjoying his ride on a carabao, two lovely old couple cutting the weeds and children soaking wet in the river- with adorable smiles tattooed on their faces. The cool breeze warms my heart with calmness and serenity where I’m able to find solace. This is nature at its best that definitely astonished a young lad like me. Just imagine how wonderful life can be if spent with appreciation and solitude. Amazing, huh...
brgy. codcod is one of the remarkable places I’ve been to. The climate is freezing cold-just imagine yourself locked in a fridge for a day. The land is fertile and as such, they have plenty of agricultural products present in the area. We were able to obtain pertinent data relevant for our research. The councilors were really friendly and they allowed us to have a little tour around barangay codcod. They showcased their farm equipments that were provided by the project years ago as well as the products abundant in the area. They have well managed the infrastructures that they have received and took the effort of continuing the project's objective. Well, if not of the ARBs initiative and desire to uplift their situation, they would not reach that far. They continue to adhere in implementing the program that was left at hand.

When I was a child, I wondered how soft the clouds can be. Well I’ve realized that clouds are not what it seems to be. We think too much about how to help people who are in need and find ways of providing programs and services that could benefit them. We envision a future full of hope and optimism, yet we hardly realize that we're unable to put into action what we truly aim for. We end up losing control and ignoring what seems to be the issue. Security of land tenure is what all farmers dream of. They have worked hard enough to till the land they are occupying and momentarily, able to own it. For more than fifteen years of the project's establishment, it seems to me that it never existed at all. They started it but, never took time of assessing nor monitoring the project's shortcomings. As for me, the government took them for granted. its just the usual scenario that I have observed with people in the government trying hard to provide services to the marginalized sector of society. “Well, are they?” probably, fifteen years is not enough to fulfill their vision, they probably need more ample time for us to see what they can do.

I could say that we all live in different environments in different situations and both barangays allowed us to see two different worlds apart from the world that we were born with.

urban poor situation: a closer look

2009-05-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

Force eviction and distant relocation are a few of the issues faced by the urban poor sector. Republic Act 7279, an act to provide for a Comprehensive and continuing Urban Development and Housing Program, presents an evident definition of the urban poor as the people in urban areas who are without houses and whose income falls within the poverty threshold set by the government.

As I see it, they are slum dwellers or squatters congested in slum areas hoping to find better opportunities in the urban community. They migrate to the city for better living and employment and opt to uplift their economic situation. For the fact that they had no security of land tenure, they chose to congest in roads, bridges, river banks and tried to live a normal life- far better than the kind of life they had in their provinces. On the other hand, the government finds ways to diminish such problem. Demolition and force evictions are the primary means of dealing with the issue where lives are put at stake. The destruction brought about by the crashing and thumping of the houses creates emotional anxiety to affected families. The government provides social programs and services to urban poor families and offer relocation sites. With an objective of providing decent homes to the homeless and ensuring security of land tenure, availability of decent housing at affordable cost, basic services, and employment opportunities are the focal point of the program. In most cases, the government offers relocation sites far from the metropolis. This in fact, brings the families from a bad to a worse scenario where tomorrow brings them no assurance of living a satisfying life. Some of the families prefer not to stay in the site. Aside from the additional burden of transportation expenses, basic social services are unavailable due to problems in ease of access. Living in a new environment would mean starting up a new life, finding another job and setting new goals. It seems quite tough to manage since adjustment and adaptation are few of the concerns. I believe that the government is trying to be of assistance to the urban poor but I just can’t understand why their programs are in a way, too superficial to handle. This is one example of the government’s program to the urban poor sector. See for yourself and try to uncover the real story behind the displaced urban poor families.

“Why I love SWU, Let me count the Ways”

2009-05-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

As I look up the sky, watched the clouds glaze upon me and breathed fresh breezy air, I wondered if I’d last another semester here. Would I make it that far?

It was three years ago when I first took a step in Southwestern University’s territory. I could still remember my first day in class when I sat at the farthest chair without a paper or a pen. I was just staring at everyone’s face, with a mind as blank as a wall. I was hesitant to interact and mingle with new faces. I hardly talk to the person next to me. I kept asking myself if I’ve decided the right thing- if I’ve chosen the right path. Adapting to a new environment was definitely tough. The fact that a university is a whole lot different from my former school, I certainly was overwhelmed by fear. I was moved away by my narrow-mindedness, by my indifference. I ended up getting myself into a big mess. Unfortunately, my student life came to a poignant ending.

Three years was long enough for me to find what I really wanted in life. It was a learning experience that made me realize the significance of thinking about the future and moving on with the past. Coming back was not an easy thing. It took me countless sleepless nights to decide on getting back to school. At the back of my head, I feared that I might not be accepted at all. Well, I took the brave stride of stepping back again in SWU’s grounds. With just a welcoming smile from the CAS secretary, my heart was filled with gladness. A smile reassured me that my future is safe here. It’s just so amazing how people make you feel blissful and warm as if you never even left. I told myself that I will make it till the end of the school year. Besides, I only got a few more days to go before classes end. I will indeed miss out the long tiring walk from AS building towards ABA for my next class. Who wouldn’t forget the crowded EDP and accounts section during exam week with frowns and grins tattooed on impatient students’ faces, waiting in line to pay their tuition fees? What about the enjoyment of shouting and cheering in support of our respective departments during Siglakas’ fun filled activities? I bet you’d get irritated at times with the thumping of the ground when Maritime students march down the hallway. But it sure is fun looking at them as synchronized as they could be in every move they make. I would miss the queasiness that I feel as I hop in on the elevator along with kuya who has been so kind to get all students to where they wanted. I’d miss hanging out at the eerie restroom on 7th floor that scares the hell out of me while spending time chitchatting with friends. And of course, I’ll always cherish the moment of sipping hot noodle that warms my tummy right after a stressful class on a rainy day; the leaves that fall upon my delicate face as I walk right across Ucafe. It does feels like springtime in June. I adore the steady balete tree that has lived for years. Its calming branches shelter the cramming diligent students on finals week. I will always be grateful with the friendships I’ve gained that taught me how to appreciate life more. What I admire about it is that whatever color, social class, religion or race you come from, SWU offers equal opportunities to all students. Above all, the greatest thing that I learned is to value people. Despite the things I’ve done there are people willing to support and accept me for the person that I am. Beyond doubt, it inspired me to do better the second time.

I returned, and I stayed. One school year might sound too short for me, but my whole experience here is truly remarkable. I’m proud to say that Southwestern University helped me find myself. This haven made me whole again. I was able to find my dreams and got myself back on track. Vince Lombardi once said that “a man can be as great as he wants to be. If you believe in yourself and have the courage, the determination, the dedication, the competitive drive and if you are willing to sacrifice the little things in life and pay the price for the things that are worthwhile, it can be done." Needless to say, it doesn’t matter if you’ve made a mess out of your life. It doesn’t matter if you have ceased to keep time from ticking for a moment. It doesn’t matter if in a few chapters of your life, you gave up and stopped the world from turning. What matters is you learned from your mistake and you’re decisive to mend things and do better the second time around. It is giving the best out of what you got and believing that you can make a change. School is sweeter the second time around I guess. But one thing is for sure, I am committed to excel and I found that commitment here. Well, why do I love Southwestern University? I believe I don’t need to count the ways. Uncover it yourself and be captivated…

Family Court Hearing: A Reflection

2009-05-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

The family is the basic unit of society. It is the foundation of one’s being and what he becomes as an adult. Witnessing a family court hearing was one way of showing me what it’s like in the real world. It was my first time to attend and be able to get inside a court room. I was keen enough to observe and listen to what the lawyers and respondents were saying. I was astonished about the case that I witnessed because the issue was a wife asking for a protection order against her husband. Well, why would she do that? A cross examination took place despite the absence of the respondent. A couple of questions were asked. The witness would answer in a collected manner even though a few of them were quite too personal. She was reiterating what her husband has done to the family for several years and how he has made her life restless. I wondered why she would file a case now, where in fact it happened nine years ago. Why now? If you value the family, why would someone want to imprison the person she promised to spend the rest of her life with? Why ruin the relationship of the family? That’s the irony of things; people can be ridiculous when they’re taken over by their emotions. I just don’t understand why couples who vow to take care of each other would only break up in the end. If the marriage can be saved and things can still be settled, then talk it over. Open communication is important in every relationship, it is essential in putting back together the shattered promises. Take into account the benefit of your children; they would suffer twice the pain that both parents feel. Well, you wouldn’t want to do that.
After a while the witness was hysterical. She was crying and was pointing her finger to the lawyer who was a resemblance of her hated husband. Everybody was laughing and joking around. But as I paid attention to her, listened to her sentiments and all her reasons; I saw my mother’s eyes in her. Everything that had happened about my parents’ separation flashed back. A memory that I never wanted to think about just came through me. Unknowingly, I was bothered and saddened by her story. I saw in the witness’ eyes the pain and the hurt that my mother felt when my father went away. It was moving and heart throbbing. It took a while for me to get back on what was happening inside the court room.

I’ve always wanted to become a lawyer. I wanted to uphold truth, justice and love. When my father left us seventeen years ago, I hated him so much that I told myself; someday I’m going to make his life miserable. I’m gonna let him pay for all the pain that he brought to the family especially to my mother, sue him for abandonment and incarcerate him for life. I thought that becoming a lawyer was the only way to make everything fair enough for us because I felt so left out and betrayed. I realized that revenge is not the answer to diminish the pain that I felt. Despite of it all, I love my father and I care so much about him. He’s the only man that I’ve ever loved in my entire life and it breaks my heart to see him suffer. I have forgiven him a long time ago.
It made me realize that I still want to become a lawyer after all, not because I hated my father but because it is my desire to uplift truth, justice and love. My father has always dreamt of me becoming a prominent lawyer and I want him to be proud of me someday.

I believe that every one of us wouldn’t want to see their families get hurt. Each of us dreams of having a family living harmoniously and peacefully where one finds comfort, acceptance and love. We aspire to live a blissful life, put up a family that we can call a home. With everything that the world offers, it would be us who decides what we become in the end. We are endowed with freewill, and we should live out according to what this world needs, as to what is essential in this life.

room for rent

2009-05-11T11:46:00.001-07:00

When I stepped out of the door, the sun’s UV rays swiftly touched my skin like a wind whispering to me. With one hand protecting my eyes against the harmful light, sweat droops down like morning dew. Its terrible heat made me feel drowsy and yawning was the only way to ease the sleepiness that I felt. I walked along the narrow and winding road of Urgello; in a quest for a nice and comfy pad where I can call my “third home.” I never thought it could be this exhausting and grueling. Well, I managed to bear a painful back and an aching leg just to find one that suits me.

Stray dogs welcome me to every house that I go to. Bystanders politely answer every question I ask from them. I’ve searched all corners of Urgello to find a place away from the noisy honking of all sorts of vehicles. I have strolled long enough to search for one single room away from the crowded and busy street in the heart of the city. Would someone believe that I could find one?

I have decided to move out and leave home. I have thought about it a thousand times and I’ve come to realize that at my age, I should do things my way. It’s about time that I think about myself and take responsibility of living on my own- of taking charge with my boring yet satisfying life. At the back of my head, I can’t help but ask “will I be able to handle it? Am I mature enough to manage my time, my chores, my studies and my future work all at the same time?” Gracious God, help me!! Where do I start?

My mind tells me to go but my heart tells me to wait. What’s more, I look forward to start a new chapter in my life and create another wonderful experience. I can’t wait to meet new friends and unravel another journey in my adult existence. I know it’s not easy, but it will help me to become mature, responsible and prepare myself for an opportunity yet to be accomplished.

Indeed, moving out is one tough thing that a person has to deal with. It is a part of one’s young adult life of exploring the world away from home- away from our comfort zones. We may seem to worry and doubt that we might not cope with life’s battles and adversities alone. We may feel restless to finally stand up and take control, but we have to be patient and enduring and take things one step at a time.

Looking for one nice room is just the start. It’s just the beginning of my quest in facing life’s challenges all by myself. My story has just begun…

“A smile is a reflection of an inner pain, pain that no one sees nor hears but only the heart could understand.”

2009-05-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

A man was dancing to the beat of “electric dreams” and with all his might, he was swaying his hips, lifting his hands in the air, intently counting and murmuring 8, 7, 6, 5… His eyes were looking straight forward with eyebrows crossed; in full concentration to perfect his dance moves. As I saw his body sway, his arms lifted up high and shirt soaked in sweat under the steady heat of the sun, I was moved by his piteous face. One can barely notice how he was giving his best shot to make no mistake despite the fact that he is not endowed with the gift of dancing. It was heartbreaking and compelling. Yet, as I took a closer glimpse of him, I saw happiness in his eyes. His smile apparently showed calmness and bliss.
Imagine walking past police officers in a secured and tight area along with guns on their side; standing in front a humongous railing and eyes fixed at all men wearing orange. Men who call themselves as inmates- with counts of multiple murder, rape, homicide, illegal possession of drugs and everything you could think of. Imagine men and women, all with the same shirt and sneakers who spend four hours every day to practice varied dance steps and showcase their talents in front of people from different cultures and races all over the world. These men offer an hour and a half of their time to entertain the crowd and cheer up a multitude. An applause from the audience motivates them to perform well. All you could hear are the sounding laughs and cheers of inmates and viewers shared in one single arena.
About fifteen hundred men danced before me. But that one man inspired me and moved me. That single man made me believe that there’s hope, that there is life out there waiting to be embraced. You can still do something out of your life regardless of the offense one has committed. Even if society condemned these men of committing heinous and dreadful crimes, it did not stop them from believing. It did not stop them from looking at life with a peaceful heart full of hopefulness and optimism. In a way, dancing not only showcased their talents but it transformed their lives and their whole being. I know how much these men have worked hard enough to clear their names; how much effort they have buckled down of getting back their reputation and dignity. In the face of all these, their heads are held up high with confidence and assurance that life doesn’t end within the four corners of those steel railings. It made me realize that one single chance can make a difference. One chance is a lifetime of putting back together what has been destroyed and starting up a new.
I wonder what his life story could be. I wonder what all these men conceal underneath their smiles, beneath their eyes...
My CPDRC experience was astounding. The inmates made our country proud. I suppose that I’m not the only person who look up to these men, the whole world does.

broken

2009-05-05T02:03:00.000-07:00

In the dark cold pavement
fear unwraps me, helpless, restless...
desolation empties the room
anger unveils the coldness
a reflection of remorse and hatred overruns me
revenge shatters from within
my eyes so weary
my lips so numb
my body so weak, so vulnerable...

a life wrecked out of someone else's pleasure
a life lost out of a man's cruelty
my future left with nothing but humiliation and contempt
a heart wanting to explode,
a mind seeking for answers.

better take away my life and everything that i have
and everything i believed as beautiful.
than leave me hanging in this pandemonium
in a nightmare of anguish and hell.

am i to be blamed?
am i to be condemned?
is shame to be put upon me?

a home i thought was a haven
a world i thought was perfect
never imagined it could be as devastating as this.
innocence was taken away from me
my dreams, my hopes, my being.

where am i to go,
when i have nothing left?
where can i find myself again?
will i still be...

wonderful blessing

2009-05-04T10:48:00.000-07:00

i've always believed in fairy tales and happy endings. i've always dreamt of falling in love and be able to do wondrous things. i've always fancied classic and romantic stuff with someone i could share my life with...

im loving someone so much and having this person in my life just completes my being; makes my life a lil' bit colorful and exciting...

the thought of this person lightens my heart and fills in the emptiness that i feel. indeed, a smile from this person emboldens a daunted spirit; cheers up a somber face; thrills one ordinary day for me and kindles a lonesome heart too. this someone made me believe that LOVE is a blessing. it is designed to touch one's heart in order to find happiness in all things that life offers; and in finding meaning and content in this crazy yet confusing world. im so blessed to have this person with me. im just so grateful that time allowed our paths to meet halfway.

if loving someone could be this intense, this profound, then why stop myself from feeling this way when all i could ask for is just right here? hmmm...

beyond any doubt, im willing to give everything that i have; everything that i could give; everything that i own; my life, my heart, my soul...

it's just so amazing how life was able to pull things off and got me here. it's incredibly remarkable when all i've ever wanted and longed for is just right in front of me. that all the things i dreamed about exists; that stories can end up happy; that make-believes can possibly happen after all...

i maybe living in that fairytale but, i believe that this is a fairytale that is meant to be real...

falling in love...

2009-04-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

loving someone simply means, loving the person with all your heart
without expecting anything in return...
accepting his/her flaws and weaknesses
acknowledging his/her strengths and capabilities.
it's having the willingness to sacrifice small things; even the great ones

loving is finding solace in one's embracing arms..
it is having the thrill and excitement despite seeing each other everyday
finding assurance and hope that a fragile heart can never be torn apart
it is missing someone so bad and you can't wait to see him/her the morning you wake up
then you'd realize how sad and lonely life can be without him/her by your side

when that someone occupies your mind and the thought of him/her makes you smile...
when your heart beats so fast and the world stops when your eyes meet
when an adrenaline rush makes you jump out of bed at once the moment he/she calls
when you're able to remember his/her smell by merely closing your eyes

that’s love…

loving someone is finding happiness and content in all things you do
it is giving out your best and looking forward for everything beautiful

love, oh how profound
unconditional... undying... unfathomable...
only those who feel that intense emotion is able to define it..

standing tall

2009-04-26T22:04:00.000-07:00

when things are out of control, we think that there is nothing we can do
we just allow things to happen and don't fight back
we dwell in that situation and allow it to ruin us
then end up regretting..

but you can make a stand
you can take charge and fight back
you can take control and say no
and never allow that thing to happen again...

in this chaotic world, one has to be strong
one has to be tough
one has to stand tall and learn how to fight...

away

2009-04-26T22:03:00.000-07:00

Leaving doesn’t mean forgetting what has been and what will be
It is not letting go of the feeling that you both shared
It is merely, going away for some good reasons
It is leaving behind a few good times of seeing each other often and enjoying each other’s companionship
Despite the distance, you vow to keep all the memories
And the feeling continues to linger…

just a thought

2009-04-26T22:02:00.001-07:00

when things go wrong, you just want to dwell on the sadness that you feel
you just wanna empty your mind and feel the pain,
cry all you want and break open
just to let it all out and take away the hurt that your heart feels
after all, you'd feel a little better upon allowing yourself to undergo despair
and it helps to make you a better person
it makes you a little tougher
it makes you a lot stronger...

...

2009-04-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

when time comes that you have to let go of everything that you hold dear...
a time when you have to harden your heart and accept the truth...
a time when you have to face reality..

you just have to be brave enough to look at life in a different perspective
in a whole new sanguine aspect…

yet, it’s quite obscure how you’d be able to tell yourself that it’s the other way around
that broken pieces can never be put back together,
that you have to stop believing that you can still mend the past

there are things I don’t understand
things that I don’t even want to think about
things that I hoped would end…

a life of bliss is what I ever wanted, and yet the further I try to experience and feel it,
the sadder I become…
ambiguous but this has to be…

hide away

2009-04-26T22:00:00.001-07:00

it's hard to simply let go of things you kept for a long time
and leave everything behind

no matter how hard you try to seize what you ever wanted and dreamed of
life’s uncertainties continue to ruin what you believe as perfect
it destroys all marvelous things you yearn for…
it shatters all good things you thought would last…

life seems so hopeless… so vague… so tragic

morning thought

2009-04-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

i'm thinking about my life...
how i've been and what have i become
i have a lot of things in mind, things that i can hardly understand...

i guess, im just too overwhelmed by this feeling.
i suppose, im just too carried away by a feeling i cannot explain to the point that im forgetting myself and my responsibilities
or maybe, i just intend to forget them...

being in a state of confusion bewilders me
it seems that things are getting complicated each day
or perhaps im making matters complicated...

all i ever wanted is to be happy, live a life of simplicity and contentment...
be able to see the people that i love and share my happiness with them

yet, i can't find serenity nor consolation...
or am i too blind to see that things can't go my way
afraid to accept that life isn't perfect after all..

whatever it maybe, i hope that id be able to seek answers
and be able to find what my heart truly longs for...

life as it seems

2009-04-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

My life has been an endless battle for meaning
An unending search for contentment and relief
A lifelong quest for happiness,

Life has taken me into different horizons
It has taken me into a quest of untying the labyrinth of truth
It has taken me into roads left unraveled

Though everything in this world comes to an end
And all of life’s splendor will cease to linger
Fear cannot conquer my yearning to breathe...

Still,
I am eager to take another dip into life’s bitter sweet journey…

getting myself ready

2009-04-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

Will I pass the board exam? Will I make to the top and get a license? There are so many questions I have in mind. Quite a few things I want to know about. I’ve been thinking on how to manage my time and deal with my preparations for the review. Monday is fast approaching and I’ve got two nights left! I haven’t even read the orange book or any other SW books I have kept in my old, dusty coffer. On the other hand, I am excited on getting myself ready for it. Why? In the first place, I’ll be staying away from home; which would mean, away from household chores and long idle hours of lying sluggishly in bed. I sort of like the latter part but I just can’t live a life like that at 26. I had to be in charge of my own life and do something productive this time.

What can I say about the board exam? I guess it’s a scary, mind boggling and heart thumping event of our post–graduate lives. Very draining and stressful I believe. A couple of teachers have offered their tips and advices to make us feel less tense about the whole thing. Well honestly, it made me feel a lot worse. I felt not just butterflies in my stomach but dragonflies and fireflies as well. Of the many things they have said, what I remembered was just the basic tip: Presence of mind. And the rest are history…

I know that preparing myself for the exam is not an easy thing. But despite the apprehensions and fears that my mind is dwelling upon, I am all set to experience that exhausting yet challenging thing those examinees have been talking about. I bet it’s all worth it. I just need to be inspired and motivated to make it to the top and hopefully pass the Social Work licensure exam.